Happy Hellish Christmas, Love Kim Kardashian

Call me old-fashioned, but gang rapes and ketamine-fueled house parties are not my ideal backdrop for Christmas songs or scenery.

Thank you, Kim Kardashian, for ruining literally everything good and pure in culture—including one of my favorite Christmas classics.

I was lounging at Denise's house last night, surrounded by twinkling lights and garlands at a wholesome potluck, when I stumbled upon Kim's latest abomination: a deeply disturbing and borderline demonic Christmas montage.

I might have gasped. I know I spilled my wine. 

In the 4:44-minute video, Kim sports a blonde wig, a vacant, heroin-induced stare, and skin-tight, flesh-colored leggings. Her g-string occasionally peeks out as she crawls through what can only be described as a smut-porn-inspired holiday house party where women are drugged, dazed, and barely clothed. Trannies in wigs seduce muscle-bound teenage football players. Fights break out over cash. Santa's elves are shown eating, nodding off, and performing plumbing duties. Nearly naked women pose frozen on a Twister mat next to a donkey, Mary, and Jesus. A woman swims in an aquarium. A nun prays out loud. All the while, Kim's soulless cover of Santa Baby blares dully in the background.

The whole thing resembles evidence recovered from Diddy’s archives. Four minutes of grotesque blasphemous imagery —an utterly perverse tribute to a holiday classic. There’s even a close-up vaginal angle as she slinks into another room.

Eartha Kitt, bless her soul. She must be cursing in her grave.

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Ode to Kubrick in the Reindeer scene

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I’m not being dramatic when I say Kim Kardashian seems hellbent on defiling every beloved American icon and tradition. The final scene of her latest production is particularly grotesque: Kim crawls onto the lap of our childhood holiday hero, Macaulay Culkin—dressed as Santa—who lowers his camcorder to (cover your eyes, kids!) film what can only be interpreted as the prelude to a Kardashian Christmas blowjob.

We get it, Kim. You still got it.

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How much did they spend on this?

The entire production feels like a warped, Trainspotting-style homage to Christmas—drenched in irreverent, provocative imagery that’s an unsettling departure from the traditional holiday productions meant to celebrate warmth, family, and nostalgia.

I want all of that: Bing Crosby, hot toddies, and snowflakes. Not fentanyl-stuffed stockings, crossdressers, and date rape.

Kim’s vision celebrates what the industry she worships prefers: sexual deviance and the moral bankruptcy she and her family cater to. At this point, it feels so lazy—the incessant perversity in entertainment these days. Edgy renditions in art can exist without demonic surrender, but try telling that to Hollywood, which reduces ambitious starlets to sex-crazed harlots to satisfy this version.

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Reactions on social media were mixed—some expressed outrage at the sacrilege, while others were left bewildered. The video’s runtime, 4:44, sparked its own wave of speculation. In numerology, 444 signifies being in alignment with your destiny, following your life’s purpose, and heeding the guidance provided for you. In this case, Kim seems to be signaling that her satanic path is one she believes she’s meant to pursue.

Instead of condemning it for what it is, Kim’s holiday montage has sparked debate over where artistic expression ends and irreverence begins.

All I know is this: we can stop wondering why she refused to call out Balenciaga during the pedo-gate scandal—and we can officially count Caitlyn Jenner as the sanest member of the family.