Housekeeping: Our Week in Headlines
Fauci, Gates, and Zuck continue to be off putting as Lauren Sanchez is girlhood embodied.
It was a week full of inauguration memes. Elon Musk may or may not have been tripping on ketamine, Barron Trump is taller than all of us, and Ivanka fashion is sooo back. Lauren Sanchez wore white lace and Zuckerberg’s eyes cried “boobies.” Melania’s hat reminded us where we all stand with her and Obama rolled up solo. Whew, I’m out of breath. It might be hard to believe there’s more to uncover, but here’s a recap for the week ending January 25, 2025.
RAW MEAT BILLIONAIRES
In promotion for his upcoming memoir, Source Code, Bill Gates posted a video nostalgic for his fourth grade show and tell. A young Bill Gates asked his dad if they could go to the slaughterhouse and so he could bring to school a raw cow lung. Gates re-created this childhood memory with an Instagram video, with some sterile aesthetics, save for the literal raw dead skinned cow lung that he plunged his fingers into, showing how air inflates the lung like a bloody balloon. What the actual fuck? Just last week on the Joe Rogan podcast, Zuckerberg spoke about the importance of killing animals. He teaches his daughters about killing pigs at their Hawaiian compound. With all this talk about dead animals, what are these billionaires signaling? Some wonder if this is a sign for the next wave of illness to come… Will it be animals infected? Will we see a bigger push towards lab grown lab meats? Zuck and pigs. Gates and cows. There are no coincidences.
THE JFK FILES
Since the 1963 assassination of President John F Kennedy, there are still 3% of files that remain under seal. This week, President Trump promised a plan that will be rolled out in the next 15 days, releasing the other 3% of those files. Did you know that two days after Lee Harvey Oswald allegedly assassinated JFK, Oswald was murdered in the basement of the Dallas police headquarters? What exactly is missing from those few pages left? Will it really be that plainly written?
Trump says that this initiative, named DECLASSIFICATION OF RECORDS CONCERNING THE ASSASSINATIONS OF PRESIDENT JOHN F. KENNEDY, SENATOR ROBERT F. KENNEDY, AND THE REVEREND DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR, is in the name of government transparency, setting a standard for future files of our history to be archived in a different way.
As for the 97% of the JFK files that are public, they are not very interesting. I’m not saying the CIA didn’t have something to do with the assassination of Kennedy, but what I am saying is I spent an entire day combing through the digital files of the National Archiv,e and not once did I see a sentence that said “We the CIA colluded to murder JFK and then put his brain in a freezer.” So weird they must’ve forgotten to write that down.
FAUCI TAKES A PARDON
Did you know that you don’t have to accept a pardon? Dr. Fauci did not have to accept the pardon from President Joe Biden if Fauci believes that he didn’t do anything wrong. Did you know that there are members of the January 6 Committee who suggested Biden not give them a pardon? They thought it was unnecessary, and they were confident in their integrity. They accepted the pardon anyways, but made sure to make it known they felt it was setting a bad precedent for future transitions.
Some say it’s too bad there’s no extradition treaty between the US and Russia, because that way we could send Fauci to Russia, and Putin could take Fauci to task. But you know what I say, with Trump, there’s always a loophole to be found.
PROMISES KEPT, TRUMP’S EXECUTIVE ORDERS
Within hours of being sworn back into office, Trump signed close to 80 executive orders. Some were blatant: “Two genders… January 6th…” while others had me bored. No matter where your passions might lay, one thing is certain: We are not finished talking about the 2020 election.
Most provoking were:
1. RESTORING ACCOUNTABILITY TO POLICY-INFLUENCING POSITIONS WITHIN THE FEDERAL WORKFORCE
2. RESTORING THE DEATH PENALTY AND PROTECTING PUBLIC SAFETY
3. HOLDING FORMER GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS ACCOUNTABLE FOR ELECTION INTERFERENCE AND IMPROPER DISCLOSURE OF SENSITIVE GOVERNMENTAL INFORMATION
4. DECLARING A NATIONAL ENERGY EMERGENCY
5. RESTORING NAMES THAT HONOR AMERICAN GREATNESS
MARILYN MANSON, NOT GUILTY
A year after harsh criticism for our team’s coverage of Marilyn Manson sexual assault lawsuit, it is official that after a four-year investigation, the Los Angeles District Attorney’s office has decided not to pursue charges against the singer.
“We have determined that allegations of domestic violence fall outside of the statute of limitations, and we cannot prove charges of sexual assault beyond a reasonable doubt,” District Attorney Nathan Hochman said in a media release.
Following the decision, Manson’s attorney Howard King issued the following statement: “We are very pleased that, after a thorough and incredibly lengthy review of all of the actual evidence, the District Attorney has concluded what we knew and expressed from the start – Brian Warner is innocent.”
RYAN REYNOLDS, JEALOUS AF