Not Even A Human Sacrifice on Stage Could Distract Us From Ben's Viral Misery

A Lazy Grammy Recap

”Wake me when it’s over” Ben whispers into Jen’s ear as Chris Stapleton takes the stage

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It seems a bit ostentatious to review an award show you didn’t watch, but we’re going to do it anyway.

WHY? Ben Affleck’s life might honestly depend on it. 

We all saw it. 

A viral surrender of the soul. 

Seated front & center next to one of the most beautiful women in the world looking like food poisoning had just kicked. The hint of horror sprung every time a new artist took the stage, flashes of irritation, misery, and despair, facial expressions ranging from something resembling a broken toe wince to a disgruntled husband on an extended shopping spree to a stunned child reacting to a swift elbow jab from mom in a bad mood after being caught on camera with slumpy shoulders and obvious disinterest written all over his freshly botoxed face. 

Ben and his tailored suit did not want to be there last night.

Now we have a hundred thousand memes to prove it. Evidence of a guy in the throes of a mid-life crisis, struggling to accept his newfound commitment to an evolved version of himself in the form of an overly gelled (sober) hype-man to a perfectly bronzed diva, addicted to diamonds and forced PDA. Every breath he takes is a painful reminder of this reality as distant memories of cocaine and naked women in Vegas cling to the dulled edges of his well manicured senses.

It doesn’t matter if Ben and Jen are in love as long as they look like they’re in love. Hence, the elbow jab as the camera returns to frame them.

I didn’t watch the Grammys last night because I had already retired my evening to a bathrobe in bed wiping tears while watching the new Pamala Anderson documentary on Netflix. Appreciating the return of a humble documentary that is everything Meghan and Harry tried (and failed) to secure.

But I did scroll lazily through some of the red carpet looks and atrocities that took the stage last night just so I could snark here (in good faith) the day after.  

What I saw in nutshell: Harry Styles dressed up like a proud toddler from 1974, Taylor Swift looking just like TS always does with fourth-grade bangs and the taste of success on her lips, Beyonce with bigger boobs, Madonna with a face I did not want to recognize, Adele in some fabulous magenta frills, Cardi B as a spectacular sculpture, Lizzo as a glorified blood clot, Pfizer as a spooky sponsor, and Sam Smith as a cardigan-wearing pop star turned demonic circus conductor with an army of back up dancers that resembled possessed Linda Blair clones. 

What I was thinking: After Balenciaga and Astroworld — do we really need another Satan themed ritual on stage to get our attention? Does it really take the Devil and all of these stage flames to make up for the sad fact of shrinking creativity in modern music?

It’s enough to make me yearn for the temperamental Kanye of yesteryear. Remember when Jesus Walks was the night’s big controversy?

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"Ben is every spouse who is dragged to their partner’s work event, forced to interact, but secretly bored to tears and not allowed to leave early," - Twitter commentary

"Ben Affleck giving off big ‘Only sober guy at a wedding where you know nobody other than your wife’ vibes," - Twitter commentary

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Casey Musgrave showed up in pink feathers and a pretty profile.

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Jen showed up with purple beads, diamonds & dead weight.

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A mask of unadorned misery: how Ben Affleck became the world’s biggest meme ….

Fact Correction & CIA Conspiracy Scoop

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Thanks for tuning in.

I’ll be back this week with a Kidman followup + Epstein Homework.