This Week in Housekeeping: The Lauren Sánchez of It All
Plus: Driverless Teslas, BIG DADDY Trump at NATO, Sex Gossip About Bezos’s Friends, and a Washington Post Journalist Charged With Child Porn Possession
On This Day June 28, 2009: Bernie Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison.
The man behind the largest Ponzi scheme in history—$65 billion stolen, vaporized, or repurposed to fund the illusion of success—faced a Manhattan courtroom.
We’re still in Newport under increasing cloud cover, locked in a classic family standoff—arguing with teenage boys who don’t appreciate the experience like they should. A reminder, if anyone needed one, of just how hard it is to travel with kids this age without losing your temper when they balk at walking the old cobblestone roads where George Washington once strolled. Eventually, someone threatens to toss their phone into the Atlantic after one of them dares to ask if Sean Spicer’s boat has Wi-Fi.
And still, somehow, we’re having a wonderful time.
Last night, we had dinner with the convicted art dealer, his beautiful wife, and their two precious babies. The table was set with organic roast chicken and chocolate-covered raspberries frozen into the most delicious summer sweet. I’ll share more of these scenes when I get around to a proper Newport recap.
As for Bezos’s nuptials, I can’t help how much I love these over-the-top Italian weddings. Yes, they’re ridiculous, absurdly opulent—offensively so. But there’s something uniquely mesmerizing about watching very rich people with bad taste work overtime to prove how stylish they are, only to remind us that money can’t buy class. I also appreciate the cinematic allure of Sydney Sweeney’s cleavage bouncing in slow motion as she accepts the hand of a handsome Italian boat hand. Everyone looks fabulous disembarking in slow motion along the Italian coast. Headscarves, to Lauren’s credit, have the same effect.
While I loved her dress, the invitation was one of the most atrocious things I’ve ever seen. Kim arrived in an awful T-shirt handkerchief ensemble. Khloé—the kindest Kardashian—dutifully honored selfie requests from her sister on the way in. Kris’s latest facelift sparkled in the sun. Orlando Bloom looked single and clearly ready to mingle. Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend wore the prettiest gown of the event, while he hid—possibly a new face of his own—under a black cap. Ivanka dressed up, once again, as a living Barbie doll, and the other Kardashian sisters were rightly overshadowed by more interesting guests.
The whole thing felt less like a wedding and more like a branding campaign—which was probably the point. There was a foam party aboard Bezos’s $500 million yacht, Koru; a drone light show spelling out “Forever Lauren”; pajama parties, Gatsby-themed soirées, and reportedly mushroom risotto served at midnight. Coordinated swimwear, Matteo Bocelli’s ballads, Oprah looking trim and toned with a hint of abs (!), and Katy Perry—barefoot on a ferry the morning after. Lauren cycled through custom couture, including a Dolce & Gabbana lace gown that took 900 hours to make. Meanwhile, Bezos’s ex-wife MacKenzie Scott remained characteristically out of sight, quietly continuing her philanthropic mission without fanfare. One woman is now the face of luxury. The other, the embodiment of detachment from it.
It’s all so fascinating.
Outside the glitz, Greenpeace staged a protest, inflating crocodiles in the canals to mock Bezos’s environmental posturing. Local residents complained of blocked waterways, closed piazzas, and yet another billionaire spectacle disrupting their fragile city. Officials shrugged, citing an estimated €957 million in regional revenue.
Links to the full wedding coverage are below for anyone who wants to dive deeper. The rest of the week’s highlights are condensed beneath, under rushed consideration, since we have a lobster fest to make in an hour.
For paid subscribers—a dash of insider gossip about two of the main wedding stars.
