A Victim’s Perspective

Reflections on five years under the spell of Ghislaine Maxwell

Image via House of Maxwell, BBC

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Weeks ago, when I invited any sources connected to Epstein to contact me about their experiences with him, a handful of women wrote in, but one in particular stood out - a woman who emailed saying she had spent five years employed by Epstein, and was introduced and groomed by Ghislaine.

She is a central figure in this whole scandal, but has perviously refused all interviews with media, therefore requesting her contribution here remain anonymous.

When I asked about her ongoing rejection of media, this is what she told me:

“I’ve turned down interviews with all major television outlets, here and internationally, including NBC News, CBS This Morning, Netflix, BBC, Good Morning Britain, and Sky News Australia. I’ve been stalked at my home and job by creepy journalists, mostly the ones from the British tabloids. Mainly I haven’t come out and told my whole story because (1) I don’t wish to be clumped in with the other victims of JE as I don’t relate to them, (2) I don’t trust the media’s biased interpretation, and (3) I’m an introvert.”

The following sentiments are what she’s shared with me (in her own words) about her experience with Jeffery and Ghislaine.

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The Introduction

Ghislaine approached me on my college campus about working for her at her home in Palm Beach. I was skeptical at first but offered her advice on where to hang a job posting. She had another young woman with her; that, coupled with her British accent Americans love was enough to make me feel I could trust her when she asked me to jump in her Mercedes and come check out the house.

On the way over she told me she had homes all across the world and did not like to hire Butler’s in Florida since it was “too stuffy.” So she found college girls instead, paying them $20 an hour to answer phones and run errands. It seemed like a dream job to me.

The money

Going from making $50 a night waitressing, to $100 an hour “rubbing” feet. The beginning of the grooming process.

They worked in tandem, him constantly trying to normalize his behavior and her making me feel like a friend, reminding me to always be grateful to Jeffery and to thank him often for his generosity.

They were exceptional at painting their world as exciting and glamorous, name-dropping all the big shots—Bruce Willis, Ashton Kutcher, Cate Blanchett, Bill Clinton, Kevin Spacey. And they had all the photos to prove it. This was the early 2000s before social media, before celebrities were as accessible as they are now. They made you want to be a part of that world… but there was a trade-off. Sometimes you had to do things you didn’t want to do.

About Epstein

What was he like? Mysterious. Funny. He loved humor. He was a deep thinker. A voracious reader, mainly of science. I never saw him angry. He was serious and you knew he had the power to ruin you. If he was ever upset with me he used his assistants to deliver the message. That was almost worse. I would say ninety percent of the time he was fun and enjoyable to be around. The other ten percent just got worse with the abuse as the years went on. And his manipulation made me believe I wanted it or consented.

I was in “the circle” for over five years. There were breaks for different reasons. I tried to distance myself but he knew ways of getting me back in. In the first year, when Emmy was quitting as the main assistant, he wanted me to take her place. “Tons of money, travel everywhere, no expenses. You just have to be okay with the blowjobs.” It also would have required me to drop out of school.

I told him, “Psychologically, I can’t do it.” I was still a virgin at the time! I was not comfortable with any of the “sex stuff.” “I want sex to be with someone I love, someone who I can trust,” I told him. He was shocked to learn about my virginity (I was 21). It was years of grooming that got me to first lose my shirt, then my shorts, then everything else… It was four years in when he stole my virginity. What he took from me—my innocence and virginity and so much of my identity—was irreplaceable. How he did it? By making me feel like I could trust him and that I was special, and that I owed it to him for being so generous with me.

I've often imagined what I would say if I ran into him walking the streets of New York (pre-2019). “Do you get it now? For years you treated sex like it was transactional, purely physical, with no emotional or spiritual connections. But look at all these women with their lawsuits and their trauma.” He treated orgasms like meals, to be consumed three times a day. Attempting to normalize his actions, he brainwashed me into thinking my ideas were antiquated and I was the odd one. He was pretty convincing.

I didn’t even truly know what consent was. Rape was something that happened in back alleys. This was before #metoo. It was actually when Harvey Weinstein was exposed that I really could look back and say, “You know what? I never consented to that.

I’m so grateful that we can speak freely now about consent, rape, and sexual assault, because twenty years ago it wasn’t discussed. Monica Lewinsky was vilified for Bill Clinton basically Jeffrey Epstein-ing her.

About Ghislaine

I liked her. Ghislaine is funny. Her sense of humor was perverted but she had a light and airy perspective on life. They were very free. Too many times I witnessed them strip naked and jump in the pool or ocean. She enjoyed having the girls around.

The first time I met her she was wearing workout clothes, and every time I saw her in Florida she was dressed very casually. I remember the day I saw her in New York City. She had on a cream sweater, a pleated skirt, and pointy boots. She sat me down, gave me a book (I’m trying to remember the name), and told me to always say thank you to Jeffrey.

The bond was something like “a twisted Manson-esque family.” She’d call us her children and kiss us on the heads, saying good night. She was impressive, speaking four languages and flying helicopters. And once she invited me over and cooked me dinner, saying she had been to culinary school. But she was also complicated—I remember mentioning my hero Princess Di and GM ripping into her, calling her selfish and terrible. I told her I wished to get married one day and she told me to never get married, because “humans aren’t meant to be monogamous.” I had a genuine respect/fear for her.

I’ve read her deposition where they asked her if she and I had a sexual relationship and she refused to answer. I can unequivocally say we did not.

Did Ghislaine care? I think care is a tough word to define. To truly care for someone, you wouldn’t subject them to abuse, but then again she didn’t see it as abuse. They both justified their behaviors because the generosity was so great. I don’t think she truly cared, but I do think she liked me. I can only speak to my experience. There were other girls I heard her refer to as “nothing.” But those of us that flew on the plane and visited all the properties were treated very well. Most of the time.

She did tell me on one of our first meetings that her father had been murdered, pushed off his yacht, and that she was his favorite child. His boat was named after her.

She loved her name and even talked about having a baby and naming her Ghislaine. I’ve never heard a name butchered so badly. The best was someone once pronouncing it “gasoline.”

Jeffery and Ghislaine’s relationship

When I first met them I assumed them to be a couple, not because I sensed any affection between them, but because it was clear by the photos in the houses. The two of them were pictured all over the world, accompanied by powerful people. Her portraits were there. There were clearly “his and hers” separate bathrooms. But I think in New York she stayed in her own home. It was a lot to take in on that first trip. I wish I could go back and relive it with an iPhone! I barely had a cell and took like five terrible pics on a disposable.

While on that first trip in New York, I was giving Jeffrey a massage when he turned over and told me to rub his nipples while he jerked off. I said, “I’m not doing this,” and walked out.

We had a chat later. He was pretty cavalier, stating I obviously wasn’t comfortable with the “sex stuff,” but that they were going to the Island the next day and I could come but I would need to be comfortable. I said, “Well I want to come. There’s not going to like orgies, right?” There were not. Once there, I still gave him a massage, probably in a bikini.

It was on a hike in the Virgin Islands that GM explained to me why the other girls were there. GM and JE must have discussed me and my hesitancy.

There were a few times that I could tell they had discussed things I would have thought to be private regarding me. Like the time I left a massage early to go to class. She called me later, saying I didn’t finish the job, “so she had to do it.”

I tried to understand their relationship. In every home they seemed to share the master bedroom. They both told me separately they only had “real sex” with each other. I was too innocent and embarrassed to ask questions. The relationship did change over the years. They would travel to Florida separately. He would tell me he had a new girlfriend, whatever that meant. But she was still around, and the last time I saw them they were together at the Ranch. By this time the pyramid was in place and I don’t think she was “recruiting” anymore.

The photos

She then told me she had bought a camera for me for my photography class, but that I needed to take photos of myself to give to him. The kind of photos that get confiscated by the FBI.

I don’t think I ever did it. He did take a few photos of me, though. I was topless. There were topless photos of tons of girls in his bathrooms. Who knows where they are now? He commented that someone famous had seen one of me and liked it. I can’t remember who it was. Probably fucking Bill Clinton.

I was thinking, “What’s he doing in your bathroom?

On Virginia

My experience with Virginia—when I met her I was unaware of ANYTHING sexual happening, in massages or elsewhere. She seemed young to me (I found out eventually she was seventeen at the time). I thought she was a family friend that G&J had “taken under their wing” like a daughter. She seemed like an orphan to me. A little clueless and uncultured. And I had no idea her role with JE. Eventually, I figured out she gave massages and was shocked because I knew she was seventeen. It wasn’t until many years later, when she was suing GM and approached me about testifying, that I found out she, too, was abused.

Virginia and I were roomies on a trip to the Island. We got along fine but I was still trying to wrap my mind around what was happening with JE and GM and VR and me. She and I never discussed our roles.

I’ve read much of what she has said publicly, though I don’t believe everything. She wishes to be this warrior that takes all the bad guys down but definitely sensationalizes it. I remember once I read a tweet about Ghislaine being locked up and how it’s poetic justice for all the years she was kept in a cage (insert massive eye roll) despite the abuse and manipulation, which yes lead to PTSD and its struggles. We were treated very well. A girl in a cage doesn’t attend supermodels’ birthday parties.

The abuse was real, yes. But it wasn’t all bad. Virginia was a prostitute living on the streets when she was fourteen. The life JE gave her was better than her former life. She and I are not the same. I am nothing like her.

On Ghislaine’s sentencing

I actually haven’t been following the trial. I’m strangely indifferent. But I don’t wish her the maximum sentence.

I have sympathy for Ghislaine. I remember when she was first arrested. I imagined having to lay on a jail mattress with paper sheets and how horrible it must be. I can’t imagine living in fear that someone will strangle you in your sleep.

Do I believe she is guilty? Yes. Do I think she deserves to rot in jail? No. Is she the “fall guy” for Epstein’s crimes? Yeah, probably.

I think I have a pretty clear perspective, free of anger and vengeance, and don’t wish to exaggerate the abuse while failing to mention the excitement, the allure. “What a monster” so many people would say and I would almost feel offended—my innocent 21-year-old self would know to steer clear of a monster. They were conniving and convincing and exciting. They knew what they were doing.

To simply put them into a box labeled “bad” or “evil” simplifies the human experience. We are all extremely complex creatures; not to mention it discredits me as a victim, as if I wasn’t clever enough to see what was happening… or as the trolls like to say, “I was old enough to know better.” These are incredibly manipulative professionals, and I was so naive I could never have imagined anyone wanting to hurt me. I had no reason to distrust anyone.

Before her conviction, I didn’t really care what happened to her. I don’t think she’s some menace to society. I don’t think that if she wasn’t convicted, she would continue to traffic victims. I believe that started and stopped with Epstein. She could go back into the woods and live an anonymous life and I would be fine with it.

But for her to claim she had nothing to do with his sex life is a laughable lie.