MELISSA COHEN-BIDEN Fashion Kitten

Jun 11, 2024

While Hunter Biden's conviction today encompasses tax-related offenses and illegal possession of a firearm, many of us are wondering when he might be tried for the actual crimes people care about - such as foreign bribes in China, Ukraine, and other countries he took on behalf of his father. Wake me when peddling the president as influence in foreign dealings makes its way into a courtroom?

For now, Jaggyish delivers the Melissa Biden fashion pause you asked (or didn’t ask) for.

Melissa Cohen-Biden is impossible to ignore. From her tight grip on a wild man, to an expletive-filled outburst in the hallway of the court house, who would have thought a woman with such personality could be eclipsed by her own incredible collection of sunglasses and refined fashion. Inspired by the aesthetic standards of the South-African American circles she was raised in, Melissa Cohen-Biden has our attention.

Hunter’s wife wasted no time making her presence known at her husband’s weapon trial. On Tuesday June 4, she confronted Trump ally Garret Zeigler in the hallway with an astounding finger-point and declaration of “You don’t deserve to be here, you nazi piece of shit.”

According to NBC news, Ziegler, who worked on trade policy in the White House, was part of an effort by Trump allies to make public the contents of a laptop to embarrass Joe Biden's son in the final days of the 2020 election. Hunter Biden sued Ziegler and the company he founded, Marco Polo, in September of last year, claiming they broke state and federal laws in an effort to create a searchable online database with 128,000 emails.

MONDAY JUNE 3

When I sent Jess one thousand texts in a row, begging-asking if I could write a fashion piece on Melissa, I thought it would be a breeze. Fashion lit is a lot of reverse image searches and quick answers to the shallow question, what is she wearing? In what seems to be on point to Mrs Biden’s personality, I am left with more questions than answers. We love a mysterious woman, but Mrs Biden- Where DID you get that suit? I found some Dolce and Gabbana suits that are almost it, but the pockets don’t match, there aren’t enough buttons. The collar she is wearing is so narrow… Could it be custom?!

The pussy cat bow in alignment with the center of it all, offset by her symmetrical caved-in cheek bones make me wonder is it a buccal lipectomy or are you simply that gorgeous?

Oh, and the sunglasses. The sunglasses.

As I sit in this crowded coffee shop, not allowing myself the rush of caffeine today because searching for designer sunglasses is unveiling a side of me I do not like, I finally finally finally come across the Prada SPR50W and practically announce to everyone in here I FOUND THEM. Hurry! The site tells me, only 2 left in stock.

TUESDAY JUNE 4

If Monday the Prada SPR50W were paired with a black mafia ready suit, Tuesday’s repeat choice is hardly offensive. The Prada glasses are a perfect accessory to a pop of pink silk against a powder blue suit. This girl is a kaleidoscope, and consider my head tilted.

On the only day Mrs Biden stacked two earrings on each side, she certainly does more than just play the bad girl turned good kitten, it’s almost like she invented it.

It’s hard to imagine these two aren’t the perfect pair, married six days after they met in Hollywood and solidifying her right to stay in the United States, Melissa and Hunter have kept the flame alive for five years.

WEDNESDAY JUNE 5

On the most damning day of testimony, a first hand account of her husband’s brother’s widow finding a gun in his car, along with traces of crack, our loyal wife dressed for the occasion. Melissa brought us back to black, without any flare. A serious statement with sharp edges and crisp fabrics.

Intimidating to any person on any day is a woman with a slicked bun and cat eye sunglasses. Mrs Biden chose wisely with The Attico, a fashion house in Milan. Paired with an equally daring brooding lip, a shade I can only assume is a classic Rouge Dior.

THURSDAY JUNE 6

Bottega Bottega Bottega. If anyone else has ever made unisex sunglasses look better, I wouldn’t know. Melissa’s unapproachable look, paired with a vintage Chanel, reminds me of all the times Jess has been asked by court marshals to remove her sunglasses. “They’re prescription” Jess says with a sweet smile, before she goes back to being stone faced and chic. We are all influencing each other.

FRIDAY JUNE 7

It’s almost too obvious to let you know that these pink sunglasses are likely Tom Ford. It’s almost too obvious to say this entire pallet reminds me of the Aristocats. Worn on Friday, it’s almost like she manifested a short day in court.

The all-white bibbed suitcoat is giving casual bridal, the color and fabric a nod to presumed innocence, an ethereal look to remind the public of their vows.

If their union makes you wonder how they came to be at the throws of his addiction, allow me to elaborate. According to Hunter’s autobiography, their love story is part-romantic, part-absolutely fucking terrifying. While deep in his addiction in 2019, Hunter was kicked out of several rehab facilities in Los Angeles. Just after getting ejected from Petit Ermitage, a luxury hotel in LA, Hunter sat at the pool drunk and high, wondering what was next. Soon a group of 30-somethings approached, equally dripping with a recognizable coat of privilege and brilliant ideas. The group told a high Hunter they needed to meet their friend Melissa.

Hunter describes seeing Melissa for the first time, with “oversized sunglasses pushed atop her honey-blong hair,” as a “bell-ringer.” Soon, he told her that her eyes reminded him of his brother, and within hours he announced he was in love with her and that he was a drug addict.

“Not anymore,” Melissa said. “You’re done with that.”

Meow.

EDIT: Hunter Biden, 54, was convicted of three felony counts by a federal jury, which deliberated for about three hours over two days in a case that exposed a dark period of substance abuse in the Biden family. He is the first child of a sitting president to be convicted of criminal charges.