The People Vs. Weinstein Pt. 3

Verdict, Through Victims Perspective

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There was a point, mid-way through this trial where I wanted to give up. I couldn't find a definitive angle, the morale divide was messy, and I wasn’t sure what impact it offered as far as cultural reckoning was concerned. The explosive revelations had come and gone. To an extent, the implosion of Harvey Weinstein, the single most dominating force in Hollywood, felt like old news. Convincing people to care about it again (after a well-publicized NY trial) was a challenge.

It had all the elements that draw me to a lengthy court case: abuse of power, sex complexities, corrupt industry protection, and horrific Hollywood scandal masked by glittering gowns and dazzling award shows, but being in that courtroom every day confronting the perverse realities that muddy the path to fame, felt at best like a dismal reality check. If only because it exposed a vapid industry that operates on the notion that sex can leverage fame and power can negate law & consequence so long as the deal get done.

Weinstein possessed a defining sense of old-school bullying tactics that combined baiting the promise of fame with threatening demeanor. His style of business fed on fear and gratitude. It worked for over twenty years as rumors of sexual harassment and assault trailed him. His behavior was an open secret in Hollywood, kept under wraps until October 2017, when the stories he tried so hard to dispel finally went to print.

The LA trial was the last of this grand unveiling.

We heard all the gruesome details of these decade-old hotel hunts. His patterned assaults were predictable and collectively overlooked by all levels of Hollywood.

Admittedly, it was hard not to judge these women for their continued communications, perpetuating scenarios that set them up for repeated abuse for the sake of elevated fame and status. One woman who testified was assaulted twice by Weinstein at the same hotel during the Toronto Film Festival. Once in the '90s and again at the same event 20 years later, after she called out to Harvey as he passed her table in the bar and met him later that night in his hotel suite where the same scene led to the same outcome two decades later.

In the debate over consent, the prosecution asked that the jury forgive these women for being “imperfect” victims. The defense rejected it arguing that these incidents were all transactional encounters “reframed by regret.”

I was conflicted by the lingering attachments with victims. Women who continued to attend his parties, send him emails, follow him back into hotel rooms, and chase his time and attention. I was forced to question my own definitions of "rape" and "consent" with blurred lines considered.

The concentrated emphasis on Weinstein’s extreme genital deformities was grating as well. We listened to countless references about heavily scarred anatomy (the result of a Fournier gangrene infection so bad he had to be airlifted out of another county to seek treatment.) Each of the women recounted what they remembered about these jarring ailments - patches of gray and discolored skin that appeared grafted, concave “hole-like” carvings on his stomach, and a penis that looked like it had been “cut off and sewn back on.”

Additional details included penile injections and sophisticated female assistants aiding him in these attacks that unfolded behind closed doors of plush, trusted hotel suites around New York and LA. They painted the picture of a seamless orchestration where each of the Jane Doe's explained varied versions of how they ended up with him alone, guided by a woman who worked for him, cornered in a bathroom as he groped their bodies and masturbated until he ejaculated onto a bath mat below them.

In other instances, he was more violent with forced oral copulation and penetration following the aggressive overtures.

One phone call changed everything for me.

When a woman reached out, willing to speak candidly about her experience as a long-term abuse survivor, I was quick to take her up on it. Jessica Mann, known as the "surprise witness" from the New York trial, offered exclusive access to her and her story. After several phone and text conversations, we met for lunch at a pasta place in downtown Pasadena. When one suspicious man wandered up and sat uncomfortably close to our table, with a dozen other empty benches to choose from, she pounded on the glass divider asking him why he was seated so close to us. A bravery born of resentment and fear. Our lunch date stretched six hours that day. In that time, I learned about her upbringing, her move to LA, her introduction to Harvey, the complicated details of ongoing abuse, the culture that surrounds & protects a titan like Weinstein, his profiling antics, and her path to health and healing.

Throughout our continued conversations, my view of this trial became much clearer.

Jessica grew up in a small town. Her family was deeply invested in a radicalized Christian-based church. The kind that talks in tongues and warn that the devil is lurking around every corner. Drama club was her escape. She fell in love with acting. The move to Hollywood was fueled by her chasing this passion. She gave up everything to make it happen; her family, the church, and all the stability she'd known.

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When she arrived she was naive to the industry and hungry for a break. She and a friend would attend LA parties with serious networking in mind, collecting business cards throughout the night and sitting down together afterward to compare contacts and accomplishments.

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Her introduction to Weinstein happened at one of these parties. A friend dragged her over to meet him. She had no idea who he was.

"He loved that," she remembers.

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Harvey was charming at first. He took her shopping for books and expressed an interest in her acting goals. He offered to mentor her — to help find roles suited for her.

At their first dinner, he ran through a series of personal questions, which - looking back - she says was his way of profiling to see if she fit his prototype: young, insecure, emotionally damaged by past abuse, an estranged family, and a compassionate life outlook. That first meeting told him everything he needed to know about her. She was an easy target.

As the relationship progressed, he made it clear how far his connections in the industry stretched, reminding her of what he was capable of whenever someone betrayed or disappointed him. He was quick to bring up other actresses, name-dropping the ones he had "helped," and was prone to using his children as leverage, bringing them around to show how much they adored him. He often bragged about the actresses he slept with as well as the careers he destroyed. Directors, executives, men, women. Ruthlessly boasting about the people he'd ruined.

Oscar parties, she said, were a steady lure. He liked to play phycological mind games pitting friends against one another.

"He got off on fucking the wives and girlfriends of high-profile men," she said in one conversation, echoing what several others have told me about this particular power flex.

The orbit that circled Weinstein Mann described as mafia like. Men in suits surrounding a king and his court. The display of power "was all-encompassing. No one is comparable,” she told me. He would dial Bill Clinton in front of her. And frequently mention Lana Del Rey after he realized she was a fan.

His "special friends" he took care of. So victims graduated to groomers. Meaning they could escape his abuse if they could reel in other women for him. She explained that she never took anything from him because she understood that she would owe him like her other friends did. The paranoia they induced for women like Rose McGowan (also from a cult upbringing) was a known tactic. There was fear of being tracked or having your house bugged. Black Cube intimidation was a preferred method to control the women rumored to be coming forward with any new allegations.

As for the abuse, Jessica explained that at a certain point, she felt “trapped.” She described a rage would overcome him without warning. His tone would change, "no" wasn't an option. His eyes would darken, and his temperament would shift instantly.

She admitted that she took pity on him because of his horribly scarred body. She felt sorry for him, assuming that the anger he struggled with was the result of childhood bullying. She said, like many of the other victims, that the rage would dissipate after an attack. He would go "back to normal," as if nothing had happened, which was always "very confusing.”

Weinstein was well versed in cementing a "trauma bond" that developed from a repeated cycle of abuse, devaluation, and positive reinforcement.

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VICTIM 2 / Anon

Last weekend, out of the blue I received a message from a woman (an ex actress) on IG wanting to speak publicly (for the first time) about her assault with Harvey Weinstein. Her request was to remain anon. But she offered proof of her indentity. Someone you would recognize in a few 90’s films. The message she wanted to convey was valuable, regarding the complexities of this trial. That it “can be both.” Consensual / transactional, and still rape. The first time she met Harvey was at Ciperani’s in NY. She had been drinking. She introduced herself to him seated at a table with friends and jokingly said he should put her in one of his movies. The introduction moved to the 2nd floor club then to the rooftop where he stunned her by unzipping his pants and placing his penis in her hand. When she resisted, he assured her that it “was ok.” A week later he called. She met him alone at a New York apartment (previously owned by Nicole Kidman) filled with family items, high chairs, luggage, etc. In the bedroom he ripped her clothes off and went down on her.

“I went to that apartment as a consenting adult” she told me in tears, the day we talked.

Weeks later, he phoned her again, asking where she was. She mentioned that her apartment was close to his Greenwich office. She told him she was home. “I was only wearing a teeshirt when he called. I was ready to jump in the shower.”

Minutes later, she heard a knock at her door. Harvey standing there when she answered. “I was stunned,” she said. “He never told me he was on his way. I was not expecting him. I never would have guessed he would be on the other side of that door.” Once she cracked the door he pushed it open with force, bursting in and shuttling her into the bedroom where he held her down with one arm went down on her as she resisted and came on her before leaving.

The incident has haunted her for over 18 years. A friend of hers, sick with cancer that she confided in, pressed her to tell her husband just before she died. When she did, he was furious that the secret had been withheld for so long.

For an afternoon we talked about how it affected her life, her career and relationship. She confessed to being on both sides of this scenario. And the shame she’s carried with her because of it. “It can be both,” she said, weeping on the phone. “I just want you to know that it can be both, and that no still means no.”

The notebook image is hers. Harvey’s number jotted hastily on a page. An inked footnote in her life that permanently changed her course.

How many more … we might never know.

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The last time Jessica saw Harvey he raped her violently after she refused to tell him the name of the guy she was dating. He worked in the industry, she knew he would destroy his career.

He found out anyway.

When she first saw the headlines in 2017, she said that she fell physically ill for weeks. She no idea she wasn't the only one. The reality, that he was prolific in his attacks, took her months to digest.

In the following set of questions, Jessica speaks openly about her experience and her decision to testify in the trial that ultimately convicted Weinstein. I want to thank her for sharing and reshaping my perspective indefinitely.

Re: the “culture” that protects Harvey

EVERYBODY wanted something from him. And across multiple industries. This man’s bubble of influence was global. Agents wanted their clients in his films. Fashion wanted their designers on his red carpet premiers. Wall Street wanted his money and leverage. Politics, in particular the democratic left - wanted his fundraising ability for campaigns and alignment with A-listers. Hotel owners and restaurant groups wanted him and his contacts at their hot spots. The examples are endless and traceable.

There wasn’t a place I could have changed a career to where he didn’t have top industry contacts. He also had very close relationships with the media. He was able to kill stories on himself that Rich McHugh and Ronan Farrow even attest to while they worked to break the story. Harvey kept dirt on people and leveraged it.

He could elevate you overnight or destroy your ability to open doors. Because if the people he commanded not to work with you did, it was their head on the chopping block. Women he victimized were considered disposable even to those who participated in the compliΩcity of silence.

Weinstein also kept files on all of us labeled his “friends” group. This revelation plays a deeper part in things I suspected happening around me, as well as in particular my feelings and thoughts towards one of his main assistants, whom I believe participated in tracking/taking notes on “us”. I have several noteworthy moments with one that further compounded the sense of tyranny and control I believe existed around me and why I feared for those I loved.

Harvey also loved to tell stories. He told me stories of a studio head he destroyed. Of sending men with bats to an individual’s home. This tactic was used to establish dominance and fear and was also how egregious his ego was. He thrived off that power. His net worth was beyond what any of us could realistically understand.

I also feel you’ve done a good job highlighting the relationship with Bois. And especially the link to Clinton’s relationship. Harvey would call Bill Clinton in front of me. That alone is enough to know you’re the weakest link – because if one of his biggest fundraisers has a “little problem” – I imagined the secret service ‘handling it. And by it, I mean, me. I would not be surprised if Bois has connections with judges that potentially are behind Harvey’s access to an appeal.

Harvey assessed and profiled everyone to determine what value they would have for him. I didn’t have any prestige or leverage that made me something he could leverage for any gain. I wasn’t an indie starlet. I was not born with a marketable name, family reputation, or wealth. Multiple things were happening to me and around me, that absolutely influenced my outlook on the position I was in. Harvey loved to repeat himself and the common theme to me was  “You don’t want me as your enemy”. Only I am left to interpret that. And what I witnessed was everyone bowing to him. If he didn’t like something he threatened them. Or blacklisted. When you see A list celebrities suck up to this man, and agents and hotels keep staff late just to appease this man – at a certain point, you sense danger and pay attention to the behavior of the people around you. It’s a very large clue when the herd collectively responds a certain way.

I think of it very much like Kingdoms in the old days when you watch a period piece. Holding one’s position in the court was a game of chess. To become powerful, everyone tried to get into the court, and those in, were seeking to hold their positions – and at the center is a mad king who could chop your head off if he wanted.

I also read the book “48 laws of power” and for most of the book, I was able to align the principles with real examples of how Harvey engaged in those tactics. It blew my mind as I started to hear and forgive myself for how I navigated the trauma – because when I see how truly smart and vicious he was – I can forgive myself so much easier. But I want to be clear – this culture still exists. So many men douchy LA power chasers aspired to be Harvey Weinstein. They want the power, money, and leverage to dangle in front of women to both get laid and reject/destroy them in return if they don’t get what they want.

What do you think people (the public) don't understand about the victims who continued to remain in Weinstein's orbit after the assault?

I think there are multiple layers to this type of question. Personal, philosophical… cultural.

 There is a very poor response in society that says – why didn’t you just leave. And the expectation is that if someone is bad – you should be the one to leave your career, your business, your neighborhood, etc – and that by not leaving you're somehow complicit. There has been very little societal accountability toward predators in power.

For me – I had nowhere else to go. I left my family and my religion and the only part of myself I had left was my love for acting. It would have been a type of death, or identity crisis that is hard to explain if I had just abandoned acting. I watched my family choose the “safe” path which meant they worked 9-5 in misery, mostly depression. I did not want this for myself. I gave up everything to pursue acting I was not about to let pain get in the way. This was not a direct acceptance which means I was ok with what was happening, I was not. I just saw no conceivable path in acting that didn’t revolve around his reign and I had no other options left as to who I would be if I gave up.

Before I came forward I had a lot of shame, because I felt like only “virginal” victims were worthy of being believed. So many of the accounts I heard were one-time events. He assaulted them, they got away. Not me. I responded so differently because of what I believed the stakes were, and the impact also to others – not just myself. I also lived in deep self-blame, I thought it was my fault harm was happening to me.

What I say next is crucial to understand - Up until the explosive headlines, every single one of us was living under what I call a worldview. The worldview was there was no one bigger than Harvey. And this is one of the most important things I have to say: To hold someone accountable you have to have a system where there is something big enough to hold that person accountable. Without it, there’s no ability to do so. If you attempt to hold that person accountable on your own – you pay with your life in some form or another. That abuser is the ultimate ‘accountability’ without cross and checks. The same goes for our government – which is why our founding fathers created multiple forms of accountability – and we still need to ensure we protect that – especially in this climate that is becoming anything but a democracy.

I also want to point out that, within this dynamic under Harvey, many people learned to navigate it by just “accepting” (a deep belief) that change was not possible. And in a system where people are still out to protect themselves and be successful – some things that meant one had to wine and dine your assaulter. One had to create a character that he wouldn’t see as a threat in order to keep going. That character probably did things that would hurt their future ability to turn around and say this person abused me. Because all the behavior was chosen in a worldview where the abuser had no accountability system big enough to contain him.

Harvey also knew this. He created this. It’s a part of what I mean when I describe how he scripted everything around him. He left very little room for one to deviate. That is why he would chase after those he harmed and pretend to be the best guy, offer praise and offer solutions/money/connections because it wasn’t out of goodness. It was to further trap that person from ever holding him accountable. Because he can call it a transaction or imply he clearly didn’t rape you because you “used him” therefore you’re the abuser/manipulator/ slut.

So within a worldview where there does not exist a possibility of accountability and protection, we see a mass exodus of Fawning as a collective.

It's why the argument ‘you went to your rapist’s parties? You accepted this from your rapist? You emailed him? And on, – is such misleading questions. It intentionally plays upon the omission of information. 

 Some people didn’t have that choice, to power through- they were forced to completely give up. You are never the same once you accept defeat. Society tends to think this is the only “acceptable” response to rape. It’s not. Sometimes people bury their pain and fight harder. 

 Here is the excerpt I discussed about the school analogy:

Imagine… you are in middle school, fresh to start classes, and super excited because finally you were accepted into the school of your dreams. Everything is going so well you literally declare this is destiny - progress is happening. You are truly happy.

One day, your first week there, a bully stops you in the hallway and demands your lunch money. You stand up for yourself but he furthers his aggression. People don’t know you well, and no one helps. They avoid him themselves. Eventually, you give him your money, defeated.

The next day and the next you are harassed for your lunch money. Finally, you decide to change your route to class, delay the times you leave, and start, mix it up. Take charge. But he finds you, and he is even angrier. He beats you up for avoiding him and now things became worse. You’re further dejected and alone in a school with few friends starting to get to know you. It seems you cannot escape what is happening to you without leaving the school you so desperately worked hard to get into. So you have an idea, a good one you think. Maybe if I befriend him, this will stop happening to me. “If we're friends, I won't get beat up.”

You start to willingly give him your money without a fight hoping his emotions towards you change enough for him to see you differently - humanely. You tell yourself friends don’t hurt each other, maybe he could become that.

Before you made this decision, you thought of telling the teachers but you didn’t want to risk more of his anger. Plus, would they believe you anyways? Seems he has some favor with some of them in class. He’s been there longer than you. His mom is neighbors with one of them - connected. So you befriend the one that hurts you, only now he knows too much about you - your class schedule, your bus route, … it has backfired. You’re stuck in a dance where the bully has even more power over you.

 Now imagine, instead of that bully being another student, imagine that bully was the principal of the school.

What teachers could you go to that you could trust would believe you? Do they even have enough power themselves against a principal? What if they told the principal what you said when asking for their help? What if he took his power to destroy your schooling affecting your whole future? What if he expelled you from the dream school you worked so hard to break into? What if he tells people you are problematic? The unknowns he could leverage seem terrifying. Eventually, it becomes too much and you accept defeat and begin looking for a new school. Yet you are still scared, that even once there - would he ruin your reputation? Would his reach touch you still? Would he call that school and use his prominence and title to blacklist you if he made one call to “warn them” about you?

What would you do?

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What have you come to understand about trauma? Can you share the efforts you took to come to this point of healing?

I understand that it literally impacts almost all of us. And trauma is a spectrum. I used to be told that because I wasn’t being physically hit, I wasn’t being abused. But if we don’t have healthy bonding and regulation – it creates all sorts of attachment issues as well as neurological development irregularities. So many of us live under what we just know as normal when it’s quite far from an ideal loving, stable, co-regulating environment.

Gabor Mate gives excellent talks about childhood trauma and how that impacts adults. An adult who does not have childhood trauma, can go through a traumatic event and has a much greater potential of responding with their adult brain and healing/surviving the event. A person with childhood trauma, who experiences a similar trauma as an adult – will respond in parallel to the way they did as a child, amplifying the impact.

These people have lesser odds of overcoming.

I was molested/attempted penetration as a child around the age of 5 by a convicted pedophile. This is also why I am so enraged at the Balenciaga event. We cannot let this fade. We forget we outnumber the media and government and power. What we attend, watch, and give our time/money to – continue to allow them to create a perception in media that the greater majority / acceptable thought is that we just move on. We must stop being such great consumers and become creators and give to creators that actually work for the public. In part why I choose you to speak to. Independent, and willing to look at all sides.

The two note-worthy sexual assaults happened to me as a child and teen. I never knew how significantly this impacted my development and how intricately it also plays into my responses to being raped as an adult. Everything makes sense when you understand neuroscience and trauma responses. Everything. For the first time in my life, I make sense of myself. How and why is no longer because something was wrong with me, it has a very scientific path into how I developed.

And here’s the best part. The brain can heal and re-wire. I’ve been testing off the charts in my potential as a disabled adult with C-PTSD in what shocks and intrigues legitimate people in the medical community. And I know this is possible for every human on the planet.

I have three major influences in my life that are integral to my healing and personal transformation. Dr. Joe Dispenza, Mastin Kipp, and Dr. Frank Anderson. I could do a whole series on so many subjects if people were interested in the path to transformation. For me started with understanding the true definition of consent. (Which I am currently working to pass in congress if anyone is interested in this cause)

Consent is – a freely given, knowledgeable, and informed agreement, without the use of duress, force, artifice, coercion, fraud, or fear. The jury asked the judge in my trial to define consent and all he could say was “use your common sense”. This is insanity. Do we prosecute rape crimes without the basic definition of the core issue of the crime? The only thing that should be on trial Is the malice of the perpetrator. Did they or did they not have consent? If fear or coercion was used to elicit a “yes” or submission –that is not consent. Bottom line. Acquiescing is also not consent. This is why defining consent as ‘an enthusiastic yes’ can be problematic. It continues to blame the potential victim for their response instead of examining the behavior of the perpetrator and if there was malice used to coerce, duress, or a variety of other malicious intentions. Violence is not the determining factor for evil. If we change the circumstances from sexual to let’s say a robbery – a cashier that says “yes” to opening the register to give the robber cash clearly is doing so under duress. Nonviolent sexual crimes occur and we need to be able to weigh the situation through the proper definition of consent. This is why defining consent as ‘an enthusiastic yes’ can be problematic. It continues to blame the potential victim for their response instead of examining the behavior of the perpetrator and if there was malice used to coerce, duress, or a variety of other malicious intentions. Violence is not the determining factor for evil. If we change the circumstances from sexual to let’s say a robbery – a cashier that says “yes” to opening the register to give the robber cash clearly is doing so under duress. Nonviolent sexual crimes occur and we need to be able to weigh the situation through the proper definition of consent. Understanding consent allowed me to stop blaming myself. Our consent isn’t just in sexual situations. It's in business agreements and even your medical freedom. This whole agenda to shift power into a collective governmental powerhouse which indefinitely removes our right to autonomy and self-sovereignty is actually very evil. Remember, if we create a powerhouse that has no accountability – they have a free pass to commit crimes. Consent is a human right and I will hold the light t to ensure every individual retains their right to consent.

In what ways does the abuse you suffered still affect you today? How did it change you?

Traumatized individuals often are bound in the world of duality until they learn how to set themselves free. And often that duality is burdened with the shadows of depravity. It’s what makes us feel different, less alive, yet hyper-vigilant. Sweaty cold palms, behind a smile that prays we blend in. So often we suppress the red flags, the dangers around us, because we don’t know what to do about it anymore. We want to stop seeing it. We want to stop being hurt. And sometimes, the only way to endure is to pretend it doesn’t exist. And so we relegate it to our nightmares where insomnia creeps up at random hours of the night because something goes bump. Where lucid dreams of shadow monsters choke and devour us.

I want to teach people throughout my life, there is an “And” beyond duality. That the perception around us can change, that we can be safe to exist in a sense of wholeness and no longer have the gaping black hole in our heart space.

When one is traumatized it's very easy to feel overwhelmed and not normal and never see the end in sight. I had it so severe at one point I was having multiple flashbacks (flooding) a day that was like a type of seizure.

What people don’t know is that leading up to the trial – retraumatization was so severe for me my health was bordering autoimmune signs like MS and Fibromyalgia. Half my body went numb. My immune system was so shot I was constantly sick and unable to fight viruses.

Our body is an incredible innately connected being that has the power to heal and all things are interconnected – especially learned this as I started to find spiritual or emotional connections between my physical symptoms and traumas. I would get hypervigilant easily. Crowds were overwhelming, I was a shell of myself and for a while after. I remember the day I saw my future bleak. I literally swore to the universe, I don’t care what the answer or path is to healing, I WILL HEAL. And I have to say the odds in the medical community did not believe that was possible. I’ve literally said fuck it and make my own path and explore modalities. Somatic therapy, IFS therapy, meditation, … I create and expand an arsenal of tools to help me. I also reframed how I view my down days. I am either Regulated or Dysregulated. Dysregulation comes in moments or days. And I don’t let it turn into thoughts of despair of how disabled I am. Which is so easy to feel when dysregulation happens. Dysregulation is feeling out of control of your body, sometimes disassociating, sometimes shaking for an hour or crying, and sometimes getting aggressive for stupid reasons. Sometimes paranoia. But there’s always a new day. And I notice the gaps between regulation and dysregulation grow further and further apart.

As for dating, I do feel extremely vulnerable, shy, and insecure about everything. The details I will always be attached to the I am not “normal. But I truly love life so much. And the right person will help me create safety to feel loved and especially connect with me safe and easy way, sexually, so I can undo the deeply embedded trauma. I won't choose anything less.

What made you decide to testify in NY?

I came forward for me. There was no secret back door game plan by a bunch of women or some Me Too movement. I did it for ME. It was the very first moment I realized his crimes against me were crimes against humanity. That it wasn’t my fault. I wanted so badly to call the police that day he hurt me. But I was too scared. I carried the weight of hiding his secrets of abuse against me and all that did was harm me and others after me. My cowardice also allowed trauma to others.

Some don’t know this but I also was still within the limitations to sue him civilly. I willingly let that expire. I turned down filing a civil suit. All I cared about was meeting him at the stand. No media games, no money negotiations, nothing but taking him head on and speaking the truth.

What is that like, being at the center of such a high-profile trial? Testifying for three days under oath?

HORRIBLE. I have never had pressure like that. Most people understand stage fright, but take that and amplify it with a Judge, A jury judging you, your rapist his money and lawyers out to destroy you, the media taking pictures and writing about you, everything is OUT of your control. You lose all personal privacy because in order to testify one has a rigorous process to pass. Phones were searched, being spied on by PIs, endless interrogations, and medical releases. I wasn’t just believed out the gate – the DA is not going to take a case they cant potentially prove.

I really thought court would be like the movies where I could give long monologues and analogies about what happened – instead, it really became more like a game of chess and as the victim, you can't keep up because your just one pawn against all these other players who can out move you astronomically.

I had to be vulnerable and also listen very very carefully to the tricks of the defense. You're limited to yes and no questions which intentionally want to silence you. If you say something “wrong” it could result in a mistrial. I don’t fully recall but I don’t think I was allowed to mention Ambra Battalina either yet that was a very integral part of what impacted me that I wrote about in my impact statement. Now do all of this with the man that raped you mean mugging you.

It is a psychological hell with no real way to integrate its horrors and pressure.

If anything, I do think if there is a re-trial with the appeals, Harvey should be very, very afraid of me. I can articulate so much more, and I know what to expect. Victim shaming won't work on me because I love and accept myself. In the famous words of Sarah to the Goblin King in Labyrinth – You have no power over me.

Regarding the MeToo movement, how do you fit into that? What are your thoughts on where it's at and where it's heading?

I never identified with the movement but understand that I inadvertently am a huge part of it. To me, it was a conversation starter. Like being with your girlfriends and someone says, “I like grilled cheese sandwiches with Pickles.” And then your like, OH MY GOD. ME TOO”

And this collective resonance that an experience is shared. Only this was an erupting global conversation about sexual trauma. Overall though it’s another event that is being hijacked by an agenda.

I have been a huge advocate that we need a MENTOO. Me too has become highly gendered - mostly for women and creating safety for women. At some point, what about men and children? I had an overwhelming amount of men come to me about sexual abuse. 8 out of every 10 men that I spoke to. The number astonished me. And these men were abused equally by WOMEN and MEN. The most common was young puberty by older females or males. It may be an uncomfortable truth but men get abused too.

And we desperately need to protect our children. Why did LA release THOUSANDS of pedophiles less than a year after their convictions? There is an incredibly disgusting pattern we see with minimizing sexual abuse towards children across grand scales. This world is PEOPLE vs PREDATORS.

Making it about gender doesn’t allow us to reason and hold accountable the actual abuser. Trauma is complex, especially dynamics where narcissism attracts co-dependents. But if we bring neuroscience and trauma-informed facts to the conversation we can really have a better lens to navigate the behavior of an abuser and the responses of the victim.

Is there any part of you that wished to be at this trial in LA?

I did. I wanted to see that fucker and sit right behind him and give a cold empowered stare into him. I wanted to wear a shirt that said “GUILTY” or something like “KNOW MY NAME”. I wanted to do performative art like maybe bloody a white dress and carrying a hammer like a nordic witch. Borderline crazy shit. I wanted to express myself like the artist I am. But more importantly, I wish that lawyers would hire me to help break down these nuances in the courtroom to deliver compelling and informative angles.

Harvey Weinstein is convicted of 3 of 7 charges, including rape, in his Los Angeles sexual assault trial. The disgraced movie mogul was found guilty Monday, December 19th, of three of seven charges against him in his second sexual assault trial.